Sunday, April 16, 2006
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Time for a change. Bye Pitas! Mindhowyougo.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
-
Really would love to shift out of Pitas.
1) Pitas takes too long a time to update the page. (It takes almost 1 day for the new entry to posted. Can you believe it! This entry would probably take a day to load.)
2) It's too manual. (You actually have to type html codes to paragraph)
3) No one ever uses Pitas anymore!
Soon, I promise. Moreover I just want a new simple teal-coloured template.
Ridiculously short entry, but day was fine. Off to prepare for school tommorrow! Last day of the week, yay!
I'm not too proud to admit to you now.
That I'm still nothing more than a wreck.
And I do intend, not to pretend til the end.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
-
You say you left to find reasons not to stay.
You say you lost yourself somewhere on the way.
You say living is easier when I'm around.
And you say you need my help to get off the ground.
We're searching for things we´ll never find.
I'm afraid that you and I are wasting our time.
Cause your problems are just like mine,
They're hard to define.
Short week! Tuition on Wed, Thurs and Friday (exciting huh!) But, so far, so good :) Week is pleasant! Weather is brilliant! Armed with Cortry (Haha)! Everyone's happy! What can possibly go wrong? ;)
Sunday, April 9, 2006
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Won't you tell me what you're thinking of?
Cos I'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling.
Fulfilling day! Spent the day wisely. Studied, shopped and ran many long overdue errands.
Shopping after tuition with Joce was superb! Happy with my purchases (though at the same time guilty). Thanks for everything Joce (I appreciate it okay!!!), including all the 'poin couches' :) JJ FOREVER! (HAHAH connotations)
Perturbed!! The only word to describe how I feel now.
So it's all back to square one, back to nothing-ness. Margaret Atwood was right about her feministic ideas. Isn't it, Ele?
'No matter how I tell myself I am familiar with this place, it isn't true. I'm a stranger wherever I go because I'm strange to myself. I've grown extremely detached over the years, as a defense mechanism.' -Elizabeth Wurtzel
Dismal return to the mundane college life tommorow! But things can't be that bad, can it? Meanwhile, think of pretty things everyone!
Sunday, April 9, 2006
-
What's the difference between you and me?
To me it's kind of small,
But to you it's like a prison.
What's the difference between you and me?
To me it almost happens,
To you it almost isn't.
How did you become so sure?
Don't you just hate the way life is.
Sorry everyone for the recent grouchiness! (Must be the darn book. I'm almost done with it, so welcome back happy days!) :)
Friday, April 7, 2006
-
There's a reason why there's something called 'different frequencies'. And this is something you can't change.
Absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest.
'It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place' - Melanie Thernstrom The Dead Girl
3/4 into 'Prozac Nation'. I desperately feel like giving up now because firstly, it is emotionally disturbing (trust me), and secondly, I'm starting to find her incessant whinnings annoying. However, I have to find out what happens eventually! If it ends up that she's still stuck in her depressed predicament, I'd be terribly disappointed (plus a tint of annoyance).
A thought struck me today. How can anyone learn to love anything/anyone when they're in fact so messed up inside? How can you handle someone else's issues when you can't resolve your own? Fragmented thoughts by the way.
Okay weekends. Happy thoughts! :)
Friday, April 7, 2006
-
I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.
My mind just goes off doing its own thing, never consulting me at all about whether it's all right to feel this way or that. I am constantly standing several feet away from myself, watching as I do or say or feel something that I don't want or don't like at all, and still I can't stop it.
In a rather sullen mood right now, must be the late night studying.
Hello, it's me.
I'm sorry that I doubted your good heart.
Things always seem to end before they start.
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
-
Just completed revision for complex numbers, so off to bed right after this.
'Prozac Nation', (Wurtzel's honesty in relating episodes which often do not reflect well on her is a striking aspect of the book). Indeed depressing. And it's getting a little into me.
'The opening pages of Prozac Nation reads like a nihilist's diary; it is filled with vulnerability, fear, the encroachment and scent of death and the realisation that for Wurtzel "life was one long distraction from the inevitable."'
How can you hide from something that never goes away?
Concurrently, I'm also reading 'A total waste of make-up', so I guess that kind of balances it off. Hahah.
Because, really, every teenager should know that.
And my favourite:
Don't wait by the phone.
Stay Alive!
She says, what do you call love?
Can't you be more specific?
What do you call love?
Is it more than the heart's hieroglyphic.
Sunday, April 2, 2006
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The longest journey home ever! (Think Joce and Pearl would have an idea why!)
Sometimes all we really need is for someone to believe in us.
It's Sunday, and I could have fallen in love. By tomorrow, I'll remember that I have a life to attend to, that magical weekends don't really happen, that there are no nice guys in the world, and this final word of wisdom:
When men say they'll call you, what they actually mean is 'goodbye.'
Alyright, pictures!
Joce darling!
L.O.V.E
Weird combi. But I love nonetheless.
Have some self-respect girl.
Okay, so back to 'A total waste of make-up'.
Saturday, April 1, 2006
-
Yesterday's outing with Pearl was, liberation. Good chats, heart to heart talks make everything else more bearable. (Er Jean Perrie AHAHAH)
But all I really want to do is just study. For once, I know I'm doing something right.
I love tuitionnnnnn :)
I would just like you to know, what goes around comes around. How ironic, you used to tell me this whenever someone utters untruths (or does something unforgivable) about you, about me, about us. Now, I have to use this on you. Thanks for constructing more misconceptions than there already is. Coming from a friend, it's indeed hard to digest. (I highly doubt you know I'm talking about you, because you probably think I would never find out. Obviously, I did.)
However, once again, thank God for keep-worthy friends.
You appear like raindrops,
And leave like you sink through.
If you don't turn around soon, I'm afraid I won't linger on much longer.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
-
I was wrong. Life is not picking up.
Besides that, love tuition :)
Okay, no distractions, so off to study!
You figured me out like a leaf in the wind.
I try to find who I am,
But wind up lost in the end.
Sometimes it's hard to know
What's real when you're not.
But I'm sick of trying so hard.
Waste all your time with me.
I know I'm a mess right now.
Monday, March 27, 2006
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It's good to hear your voice.
It's good to hear you breathing.
You're running out of hours.
I'm running out reasons.
Does it make you any better off than me by sprouting untruths? To top things off, we never spoke.
Honestly, I'm panicking inside. I'd do anything, give up anything and everything. Really.
It's heartwrenching to know that beneath all that is someone who is suffering. And I can't do anything about it. Just so you know, I'll be here, peng you forever! (You know I'm talking about you ah :))
Cos this time it's too late.
I won't wait up, I won't wonder.
It's a waste, I can see now.
I am sober.
I've been scared straight.
Everytime I turn around, you're gone.
Finally you figured out what went wrong.
So whether you can hear or not,
So long.
By the way, Sunday was great. Amen for those nutcases. Life is picking up, I hope!
It's a start, it's the same place for any and all hearts. This is the part where we all start to feel.
So much for abstinence from the computer during weekdays. Hahah.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
-
Best friend,
I'll see you in the end.
Broken for a while.
But maybe we can bend.
Best friend,
Im feeling out of line.
And filling up the time again.
I'll see you in the end.
I will again.
Best friend,
I'm really up again.
The world is alone
But bitter to the end.
Best friend,
And figuring out my head.
I'll see you in the end.
I will again.
I should learn to act on my instincts. I should learn to follow my heart. I should learn to leave my mind behind.
Math tuition soon :)
Think it's maybe time. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore, in all seriousness. (This is a good thing and I'm happy about it. Yes I am.)
Will someone like you,
Stand still.
Breathe in.
Are you listening?
Mind how you go.
Pretty good day! Friday, which signifies the coming of the weekends! :) Good day tmrw!
You were the last high.
Maybe you'll call me.
Maybe you won't.
I do have feelings, know. I'm only human.
I don't need you to comfort me.
Or shine a light on this shattered dream.
If all that will be, never again.
All we believed, all the promises.
I don't need you to talk to me.
Or cast the line on this broken dream.
If all that we've seen, beginning to end.
All I believed, all the promises.
I don't need you.
I believed all the promises.
Skye's new album 'Mind how you go'. Good lyrics and soothing voice.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
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There's a gap in between.
There's a gap where we meet.
Where I end and you begin.
And I'm sorry for us.
The dinosaurs roam the earth.
The sky turns green.
Where I end and you begin.
Thank God for friends. I actually am starting to like my class.
Deteremined to make studies the center of focus. No more distractions. And, no more living for the moment.
Monday, March 20, 2006
-
Pearl, thanks for today! Enjoyed myself very much :)
Charlotte, thanks for yesterday. Although we were unsuccessful, we'd try again!
'How many danger signs do you need, for you to walk away from it.'
Spin around.
We get further and further away.
Smile and wave,
Ain't got nothing to say.
Stunned here waiting.
For anyone to take the time,
To change my mind, this time.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Lately I've been hoping you could stay with me.
Firstly, allow me to whine/mop about the party last night at DXO (Boiling point). The crowd was wrong, the music was on repeat mode and the place was stuffy as usual. Company was good though. The only highlight of the night was probably the many cheap thrills. (No offence to anyone but the party was disappointing).
OKAY besides that. Yesterday was rather perfect, and extremely fruitful and fulfilling :D Ele and Ping came over to do some phototaking and nothing beats old secondary school fun. Thanks guys! Okay, now my turn, some of my favourite pictures.
Lubz!
After this, headed down to town to meet Joce for.. SHOPPING!! Satisfying. We got this really nice bag, earrings and belt. Shopping with Joce = fun! Spent quite a lot, and the guilt-trip.. Think about it later. Hahaha. Travelled to Joce's place to swim after shopping.
Joce and I in suana!
Next in line was the party after swimming. Overall, the best day in the hols.
I dreamed I was dying
As I so often do.
And when I awoke
I was sure it was true.
I ran to the window
Threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,
Please don't let me die.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
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My life's becoming - predictable. I don't even want to guess what's new. (Because i know) Nothing is.
If I know that I'm just a mere substitute for everything else, why do I continue doing what I'm doing?
The downside of everything.
"Be always drunken. Nothing else matters: that is the only question. If you would not feel the horrible burden of Time weighing on your shoulders and crushing you to the earth, be drunken continually.
Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will. But be drunken."
Anyway.. (sudden urge to upload pictures)
Marianne Joe Joce.
Ele and Joe.
Joette and Pearl.
Dalun and Joette.
Edna and Joette.
Andrea and Joette.
Sean and Joette (Long long ago).
Sean, Joette and Daniel.
I. (eons ago!)
Long overdued pictures!
Monday, March 13, 2006
She's electric
Can I be electric too?
MARCH HOLIDAYS. Week I've been looking forward to! But everyone seems to be studying. And I do have lots of catching up to do.
DXO was alright! Quite interesting.. MM.
Hate to admit, but everytime I read your entries, I secretly hope you're referring to me. Hoping that I'm not the only one who finds it hard to let go of what we once had. But somehow I know that this is all too one-way.
The capability of making me argh constantly and yet at the same time make my heart go all jelly-like soft. Strange.
Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away.
Short week, enjoy!
Edit:
Shopped with Joce today and extremely delighted and satisfied with out purchases cos we decided to indulge. Haha :) Thanks Joce for tonight and the many small talks we had!
Feeling utterly dumb and silly now. I can't make up my mind, and my heart. Let the head reign the heart, I say. Nights.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
I'm so tired but I can't sleep.
Standing on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word.
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard.
Monday, March 6, 2006
You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway.
You're half the world away.
What a bad day. Supposed to meet Pearl for breakfast once again (what happens to our breakfast dates huh, they never realize) but only woke up to Pearl's message at 740am. Late for school once again.
During Econs tutorial, tutor scolded me for the first time in the year. And because we skipped Econs lecture, I have to see her tmrw morning. HOW BAD CAN A BAD DAY GET! But after school activity wasn't that bad. Acutally did have fun!
This desire to want something more out of life and to stop living in the shadows of others' life is so intense. I seriously need to do something about it. But what?
I NEED TO GET A CAMERA.
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.
Sunday, March 5, 2006
I wish you health.
And more than wealth.
I wish you love.
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be.
So with my best, my very best
I set you free.
And most of all,
When snowflakes fall.
I wish you love.
Maybe. Maybe not.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
I wish you love.
'Today you'll be with friends. Spend the day getting a lot done and have fun with it.' Had fun but getting a lot done.. :) Talked about substantial stuff though!
It's 3am now and I should/ought to be studying. However, very distracted. Meeting Pearl in a while for breakfast (ru guo we stay near each other de hua!!) then head to school to sit for Lit paper. Hope I can stay awake!
Goodie, of course I remember you. Call you once i'm done with papers! <3
If I had a choice, I'd leave it all behind. If I had a choice, I'd make you leave my mind.
I've had some time to think about it.
And watch the sun sink like a stone.
I've had some time to think about you.
On the long ride home.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'm just trying to make a contribution.
Does that stand for nothing at all.
GP paper today. Haha, feels like the CTs have ended when it just started. I can't wait for CTs to end and to welcome the arrival of the March holidays with big wide open arms! Fast forward please!!
Something awfully entertaining and ridiculous did happen today. Marianne and Pearl, please, the most unglam friends I have. Bloody visited the toilet a million times today trying to _____. Up to you to figure it out.
Pearl and Marianne over at my place now. Marianne and I
feasting on Macs in front of the computer and Pearl fast asleep on my bed. So much for studying! Oh wells. What happened to 'full speed no joke already' huh Pearl?? Hahah! They make me happy (and extremely retarded) :) (wahlau I sound like this certain someone. Right)
Marianne : 'Joette, the school toilets don't work for me, only your house toilet does -bursts out in mini laughters while nibbling on her curry dipped nuggets FOLLOWED BY A HUGE BURP.'
Remind me why they are still my friends. But actually these kinda heck-everything-just-be-siao friends where to find? Love you both lah :)))
No joke really, must at least try (TRY) to pass CTs or else PTM will be hell for me.
And please stop preoccupying my thoughts.
Lastly, Ping (design genius) thanks for this gorgeous layout! SEE YOU REAL SOON!
I can't explain,
What it's like not knowing,
If I'll ever cross your mind.
Something's wrong with your mind.
It won't think of me anymore.
Was it all a waste of time?
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Let all the things you mean to me,
Come tumbling out my mouth
I'm sorry, this is gonna be an awfully sad entry. So happy people, please don't read.
I never knew this could really sting so badly. This feeling took so long to set in. Once it did, it caused chaos. I always thought if you disregarded whatever that was bothering/hurting you, it would slowly dissipate. Obviously, I am/was wrong. I chose not to speak about it, not to mention it, refused to let emotions take over me. But now, I really just contain it any longer. The worst part about it all is, I can't talk to anyone at all about it.
Hope you're doing good.
Today was initially a good day. Okay actually 3/4 of the day was perfect. It was the 3 of us again, and it felt really good to just hang out and enjoy each other's presence. Like I finally felt like I truly belonged. Thanks guys! BUT, bloody didn't study ;)
I wish I could.. so many 'I wish(es)'. The last thing I would want happening to me right now is to feel something I shouldn't be feeling. I know I shouldn't.
Incoherent I know. But it's meant to be this way.
I thought I could resist you.
I thought that I was strong.
Somehow you were different
From what I've known.
I didn't see you coming.
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Here's everything I've always meant to say
Unproductive week! Pearl and I wasted the entire night yesterday, talking and fooling around (but I had fun nonetheless Pearl!). Ended up studying into the wee hours of the morning and ended up not being able to get up for school.
Today! Even more unproductive. Marianne and I had breakfast, turned up for school late, skipped almost all our tutorials and lectures. CTs next week and.. Why am I not feeling it! :/
You left without any goodbyes. As much as I don't want to admit it, I do miss your presence. I wish things could have turned out differently.
What happened to 'Nothing else matters as long as we have each other'?
We fell apart in the parties of the empty heart.
We danced the junkie in the shadows of bad modern art.
We clicked our heels and we wished we were home.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Runaway train
Can you help me remember how to smile.
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile.
How on earth did I get so jaded.
Life's mystery seems so faded.
Joce and I secretly watched the rockafella's auditions today. Anddd got earbugged! Great song, quiteee emo though (by the way Kian, emo your head! Hahah). Hahah, and Bf, you sang the first song really well :).
Sunday, February 19, 2006
I want to hold the hand inside you.
I want to take a breath that's true.
I look to you and I see nothing.
I look to you to see the truth.
You live your life.
You go in shadows.
You'll come apart and you'll go black.
Some kind of night into your darkness.
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Fade into you,
Strange you never knew.
Fade into you,
I think it's strange you never knew.
A stranger's light comes on slowly.
A stranger's heart without a home.
You put your hands into your head.
And then smiles cover your heart.
Fade into you,
Strange you never knew.
Fade into you,
I think it's strange you never knew.
Fab song. Joce's party was great! Happy birthday Joce (not quite yet) but nonetheless hope you had fun! <3
Friday, February 17, 2006
I chronicled the days you made me want to live.
Memorize the way that it felt
and then I turned it into this kiss.
Tonight I’m wearing my best smile.
And hope to make me worth your while.
I’ll be the best mistake you’ll ever make.
From the lack of sleep and the bloodshot eyes.
To the nervous kiss and the butterflies.
Does this make any sense at all.
She said, she said
We‘re not sleeping, and I’m not breathing.
If this means anything at all
I won’t let you leave me anymore.
Let’s shake and burn, like an addict.
My hearings dead, only static.
If I said your smiles were all that mattered.
Would you save my life?
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Late afternoon-
You and I gaze at the same thing
As between us something ends.
After you have gone
Evening gathers in my heart-
All the scenery is you.
I love my new watch! And I love my bf many :) Bf, THANKS. HAHA
Thursday, February 9, 2006
Ordinary conversations,
Ordinary smiles.
Is what I like best.
Didn't make it to school today. Err, rather unproductive but exciting day. AND studying with Dalun is just totally annoying! (Haha) Oh, Marianne and I were browsing through this oracle book, and boy are the answers accurate. Freaky.
ANDDDDD! We were at Borders and I realised 'Gossip Girl : Nothing can keep us together' is finally out! BUT Dalun and I were broke by then and I couldn't get the book! Note to self : Get it this weekend, must!
I think I regret now. Shouldn't have said those things I said. Is it too late? It's been so long. You're probably the only one who ever understood. But, you were never there.
How unscrupulous and underhanded can you be? The thought of it is infuriating. Don't get me involved in your own messed up life, I'm not f***ing interested.
Many a times, I just want to spill all of my racing thoughts here, but I always end up stopping myself. Simply because privacy has been intruded and I'm afraid of how people will perceive me and the things I say. I truly admire people who daringly wear their hearts on their sleeves and putting themselves out there for everyone to judge. This is precisely why I always end up shortening my thoughts into a meagre few lines. But then again, I'm progressing. This paragraph itself shows! Soon enough, I'll be able to ditch that fear. I hope.
Friday tmrw!! Yes, the weekends are here!
But you know
a certain part is missing.
If I go down on my knees
Would you forgive me, please?
It's only that my heart is breaking.
But it's a very temporary thing.
It just happens all the time.
Little pieces of my world are falling,
It's a good night.
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
Everyone says our playground
Is overcrowded.
But I feel lonely.
I had this sudden revelation about this haiku I read. But I won't delve into it, cos.. it'll just be freaky and weird. Hahah
I hate school. Don't remember hating school so much like now. But things will get better, they will.
Oh yes! Marianne did the absolutely sweetestest thing for me today. Thanks Marianne! Wouldn't have known what to do otherwise :)))))
Well I'm here,
but I don't wanna stay.
Cause you're not around
and I'm feeling lonely.
Same old episode for me,
heading for catastrophy.
And I can see that it's.
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Disguising mistakes with goodbyes.
Sent my Ipod for servicing yesterday. Haha I think the counter girl was a little annoyed cos she knew I kept spoiling my Ipod on purpose and replacing them. But anyhow, going to take a couple of days before I get a new one. So the counting-down starts! The thought of having to reload the songs and arranging the playlists again is so URGH!
Anyhow I am so behind in my work! Urgh so many essays to write and I haven't even started penning!
Everyone's making such a fuss over Vday (not like i'm not)but you know, I always thought that Vday is one of those days designed to make single people feel miserable (sigh) but it's really just another day right! RIGHT! (self comforting) hahah
Tell me what to believe.
Won't you bring me order.
Tell me what to achieve.
Baby, so I can move forward.
Tell me what to believe.
Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road.
People running, run.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
The freaks, the nerds
and the romantics.
Mighty boring day!!!
Yesterday was no better. The only comfort is that i made quite a pile. Haha!
School tmrw. Bad thing of course! Back to the monotonous routine. I need to change seats desperately or i'll never get down to studying. BUT i like where i'm seating nowww!! Solution is, I should allow myself to have fun, but when it's time to pay attention i should! Sounds easy, but trust me, really tough to adhere to that.
Secret business with joce and, i'm not saying! Mwahahah! E-X-C-I-T-I-N-G!
It scares me to know that certain people are so ridiculously sly and cunning. And to think they actually think people can't see through them. How silly.
It really hurts to see the state we're in. If only we could go back to what we once had. But you know as well as I do, that we can never do that. (No relevance to boys).
And yes, i'm currently pretty upbeat, though bored :)
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
Monday, January 30, 2006
You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you.
You say goodnight, in my mind,
I'm sleeping next to you.
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know.
But you gave me the best mixtape I have.
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad.
I just wish there was so much more than that,
About me and you.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Never offer your heart
to someone who eats hearts.
I am bothered.
Something i haven't felt in a long long time. Bothered that I don't trust you anymore, (or perhaps I knew from the start that I never could trust you). Bothered that I found out that the worse feeling is that of being lied to. Bothered that someone who was once so dear to me, is now of insignificance. Bothered that I can't be of much help when a close friend of mine seeks for a form of comfort from me, and I find myself speechless because I don't understand what she's going through. Bothered that a family member is being so secretive. Bothered that I've chosen to be harmlessly cold towards those who want to care. Bothered that I can't get a certain conversation off my mind, and I can't figure out why. Bothered, that I'm slowly losing my loved ones, to utterly stupid reasons.
Can't everything be as simple as black and white?
I hope for once, you'd stop thinking that the world revolves around only you.
Looking forward to week-long of classes at btp!
And the words that seem so hard to say,
Come out when you've gone away.
Just stay a little while and hear me say.
That I want you here tonight,
And I need you by my side.
For just one more moment,
For just one more moment with you.
I and I am to blame,
I sit here in shame.
I threw you away again.
And I, I send you my best.
I try to lay this to rest,
When you were my everything.
Shades of Grey,
And please fade away.
And oh what if I sit in vain.
Hey, and I'll look away,
Pretend I'm okay.
I'm back on the road again.
And please, could it be true,
That I still love you,
And my love's unworthy.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
Shades of grey,
And please fade away.
And oh what if I sit in vain.
Are you listening to my words?
And I saw your smile pass me by,
And landed far from me.
And what does that mean?
Shades of grey,
And please fade away.
Oh what if I sit in vain.
I and I ran away,
For I was afraid.
Afraid you'd be everything.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Reflecting glimpses, the tension's there. Unspoken words, they fill the air. Subliminal flashes, advanced warnings. They need time to reflect, false information.
I’m torn in pieces.
I’m blind and waiting for.
My heart is reeling,
I’m blind and waiting for you.
Still in love with all your sins,
Where you stop and I begin,
and I’ll,
I’ll be waiting.
Living like a house on fire.
What you fear is your desire.
It’s hard to deal,
I still love the way you feel.
Friday, December 30, 2005
I lose myself to find in me
The way it really ought to be.
It's hard to say i love you.
It's hard to say i need you.
If all is well, it's hard to tell.
It hurts to think of someone else.
It's hard to say i'll be there.
It's hard to say i really really care.
Don't know.
Happy New Year all!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Time goes by so slowly
for those who wait.
No time to hesitate.
Those who run
seem to have all the fun.
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do.
if only dreams do come true. if only.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Life, and love, and why
Rain is a bad reminder,
of everything i don't want to know.
Rain is a backseat driver,
that takes me where i don't want to go.
And it looks like the sky is caving in again.
I'm dry and cracked,
the sky goes black.
And tut, tut,
it looks like rain.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
Turn to gray
My heart's just about to crack open.
Birthday this year, the best in years :) Thanks to
Ashley Bose Dalun Edna Ele Frans Joce Joelgoh Jordan Marianne Ping Qinxian Sze William Yijie (alphabetical order). Means a lot guys!
Okay so they planned this surprise bbq at joce's other house on the 3rd. Took me completely by surprise because Dalun lied to me!!! But nonetheless, it was for a good cause :)
Then yesterday, the 6th, had dinner at NYDC in holland V. After that, they had me follow them to somewhere to cut the birthday cake. They are the sweetest, really.(Had to write these all in words so that the memories stay intact)
Thanks all, i had MANY fun (in their lingo) :)
Special thanks to JOCE and DALUN. Hearties for you both! <3
More thanks to Mom Andrea Benjamin Cherylchang Delphine Dinah Eugene Eunice Ian Joyce Kev Krist Leon Louisa Martin Mel Nikki Paddy Pearl Sameer Sean(thanks!) Stacy Tim Vincent
I'm finally 18! And i had two birthday wishes cos i had two birthday cakes. Hope wishes DO come trueeee!
Maybe this seems bold,
But i'm hoping
you'll stay for the happy ending.
I like to be around you,
when you're not trying to be somebody
Saturday, December 3, 2005
So i might try to leave it all behind
I know tomorrow's not so bright now
I'll say goodbye,
cause nothing good can last.
you wear and fade
you're no where fast
but today,
i don't know how
to keep it all inside
but i guess i'll let it slide
i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day, another perfect day
i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day, another perfect day.
today i don't know why,
i thought that it was real
but i guess it's no big deal
Monday, November 28, 2005
Ever felt that at the end of the day, you have absolutely no one to turn to? I'm feeling exactly that way. It's just an empty heart that sees me through
Sunday, November 20, 2005
she cries because her heart started beating again today, and for some time now she hadnt thought that was possible anymore. she's had a harder life than she'd have imagined. she's mostly known solitude. she thought it was too late now to feel anything - that her good days were over. she cries for so many reasons that she doesnt want to think about it. her whole life comes flying back in her face. so to protect herself a litte, she tells herself that she's crying for the sake of crying and that's all there is to it.
Come and go now as you please
your actions write the melodies
to the songs that we sing.
and you just sing
and i finally found that
life goes on without you.
and my world still turns
when you're not around
is this the way you want it?
is this the way it has to be?
sitting here beside you
but my heart's lost in New Orleans
hearts now severed
difference of forever
and i am lost there
come and go now as you please
your actions write the melodies
to the songs that we sing.
and you just sing
Friday, November 11, 2005
Silhouettes, they all show.
Silhouettes, would you let me know.
what's worse than having a sneaky friend. there's more to you than meets the eye, definitely. i'm wary of you.
nice and sweet. almost seems perfect. what's within, i'm unsure, i wouldn't dare say much. only time will tell. don't ask me why. it's the bad vibes i get.
ever felt restrained when you hang out with certain people? like you suddenly lose your sense of humour, and your hyperness and retardness. like they just suck all the fun out of you. maybe it just boils down to who you can feel really comfortable with, and just be yourself. i've come to a point where i feel like i've lost myself. i no longer know who to believe.
caught 'Tom Yum Goong' with Marianne, Will, Yij, Bryan, James and Lerhern. they're fun company actually. sadly Laureen had to leave for dinner. next week Lor! :)
eloper outing tmrw :) much to catch up on. chinese lover, if you're reading this, smileys for you :))))
(smileys for favourite people only)
sometimes i wonder what i'll do without Andrea. thanks for everything. you're the friend i'll keep always :)
i am starting to have an aversion for some members of the opposite sex. how shallow can they get? a girl is all it takes for them to lose their senses. at the same time, lose their marbles.
gone are the days when you had a couple of friends and they were all you ever needed. gone are the days when happiness was simplicity. it's all so complex and complicating now. wish i could turn back time.
There was a time when all was perfect.
No worries, but now that's blurry.
We had something that no one had.
But it's all gone now, ain't that so sad
Wednesday, November 9, 2005
I can't help but entertain these thoughts,
thoughts of us together.
i've been pitas-ing too often. it's becoming an obsession. i need an outlet too badly.
i get really bothered everytime i speak to -. like he's this really wonderful guy and he's constantly suppressed by his monster-of-a-girlfriend. and to top it off, she was really irritated that - left me more testimonials than he did for her. like utter rubbish. i don't think she gets it, how lucky she is to get such a good boyfriend. please, learn to treasure him will you? it's not every day you get to meet such tolerant guys. stop making him feel so miserable. if you ever get to read this, i'm not interested in your boyfriend. understand what platonic relationships are. argh, girls.
something more light-hearted please!
b e n . longing for a freedom that seems so far away - 2.5 weeks says:
i'll come out from army and sit there for u to rant
how nice. thanks ben, and all the best for A's. study lah you, or i'll carry out my death threatening threat. which you know is really.. scary!! hahah smileys for you ben!
so william told me i lack determination and perserverance. how true.
i do hate you, but i just can't bring myself to hate you enough. i would go up to you and scream into your face 'i hate you', if i ever dared to and if that's how i truly feel about you.
the question remains. should i go for the gathering or not? i'm scared. everytime i try to take a stand, i see your face again and i fall.
you really annoy me at times. wish you'd be nicer. okay just shup up and don't think about it.
you're so sweet, i could really start to like you.
haha okay, that's enough for a day :)
It´s like you and i,
don´t even try to get along.
like the two of us together are wrong.
it´s like you and i,
can´t let the good make up for the bad.
guess we can´t go back to what we once had.
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Cause then you'll see my heart,
in the saddest state it's ever been.
what happened to 'friends forever'?
read through letters i've received from years ago. what happened to all the promises to keep in contact? what happened to all the promises to overcome every problem we faced, together? what happened to the quotes we used to write to each other? what happened to the friends i had, and loved so much then?
simply, i miss my secondary friends. does peisi recall our 'fighting-fish' argument? and the letter she wrote to me? does serene remember how she used to tease me? how are diana and yonghui doing? haha, it's so silly how diana and i used to write each other letters even though we see each other every single day. how fond these memories. thanks to those letters i've kept. sentimental, i know.
i told you, feeling nostalgic is suffocating.
okay JOCE wants special mention. so she's playing some really retarded game with dalun and bose. gah -_- kids. HAHAH
I talk to absolutely no one,
couldn't keep to myself enough.
and the things bottled inside,
have finally begun to create so much pressure
that i'd soon blow up.
Well i never should've said that
it's the very moment
that i wish that i could take back.
Monday, November 7, 2005
Could've been lovers
but at least you're still my day late friend.
spent another day of boredom at home. it's strange how, as we age, we lose our zest. i watch my brothers leave with such enthusiasm, all eager to what awaits them. and yet again, i find myself alone at home. the television set has become my favourite companion.
so preoccupied with tv-watching, i happen to be watching this programme on CNA depicting the life of this boy named 'ah hock'. despite his family's poverty (his father is an amputee, his mother is deaf and he has minor disablities) he maintains this enviable positive outlook on life. he really puts us, brats, to shame.
so recently, i managed to 'find' some younger friends of mine on friendster. i was half-hearted to whether i should send them a message, apprehensive that they wouldn't remember me or they simply wouldn't be bothered. decided on messaging the younger sister and it's still good to know that they've been doing great. then i came across -'s page. nolstagia is driving me up the walls.
i have so many regrets. so many things i wished i hadn't done. hurting things that i shouldn't have said. negative thoughts that i shouldn't have harboured. new resolvation? handle matters so that i will never have to look back and say, 'i regret'.
i'd really like to talk to you again, but would you have forgiven me?
i'd like to meet someone who possesses a piquant wit.
i need a personal journal.
I heard the reverberating foosteps,
sinking up to the beating of my heart.
And i was positive that
unless i got myself together
i would watch myself fall apart
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Fade into you
strange you never knew.
how long has it been? i forgot.
slept for 16 hours straight, waking up occasionally to use the toilet. amazing huh! i slept so early (930pm) and yet i slept for so long. haha, but given that i only had 2 hours of sleep the previous day, it isn't that long. anyhow, thanks joce and dalun! joce for letting us go over to your place early in the morning. and lun, for accompanying me there.
caught 'The Exocism of Emily Rose'. the show itself isn't all that scary. it's the after-thoughts that it leaves you with.
i wish this bugging feeling would just dissipate. it takes so much out of me to pretend. but this is the secret i keep. so i'll pretend for just as long as i can.
pretty words won't make your dreams come true. they're just pretty words.
I know there's little use in crying
it's more wide awake and dying than i'm used to
i thought we'd walk these streets together
now i'm hoping that i'll never have to meet you.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I want to find you so bad,
and let you know
i'm miserable up here without you
i wish there's something i could do, something i could say, to make you realise how much deeper you're sinking. but realisation struck, i hate consequences and running from you is what my best defense is.
drop the pretence. don't say we didn't try, don't say we abandoned you, it's your just deserts.
the retreat was okay. wasn't as fun as i thought it would be.
when you're around
i don't know what to say
i don't know what to do
i don't know what to say
to let you know just what i'm feeling
when you're around
Thursday, October 13, 2005
i'm willing to prove that you're the one
i regret to slip away
now i know it was only you
that i've been searching for
been missing all this time
recently, i can't agree with the proverb 'a leopard will never change it's spots' more.
retail therapy sure works. it cures you of all boredom and makes you oblivious of the annoyance caused by the people around you.
your heart is too crowded
with your new love by your side
that you can't see how much i cried
you're too busy with your romance
to remember all those lies
or ever notice how hurt i was inside.
i used to be the only one,
i was your sweetheart
then another came along,
she plays a leading part
your heart is too crowded
with your new love by your side
that you can't see my heart cries to die
should i hold you close again
just for old time sake
maybe you'd remember my embrace
why dream of things
that are gone can't ever be again
cause your heart's too crowded to ever let me in.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Look at this photograph
every time i do,
it makes me laugh
holding my breath walking at night with you
i get to hear your voice again
if this is a dream,
maybe you'll stay with me
stay with me, please stay with me
this is where we met
we're back here again
don't leave me alone
don't leave me alone
i can't stand the way the world feels
when i'm walking alone
can you please keep talking to me now
tell me all about your new friends
i know you don't think i can hear you now
but i'm listening,
i'm listening
and this is where we met
we're back here again
love seems like a mess
when it won't let go of me
but when it's gone i don't feel alive
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i was thinking
over-thinking
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA LEO!
it was marvelous, being able to spend time with the bestfriends again. reliving the good days again. just being who you really are, and just enjoying each other's presence. what a heartwarming feeling.
besides that, it was another stagnant day, with the occasional oversensitiveness. sometimes it seems you're living your life very much for the sake of others. your mood is very much dependent and much revolves around their emotions. to the extent that your inner feelings and thoughts are shrouded and disregarded. random thoughts by the way.
what have you been doing lately? i just wanted to know what's going on, but everything that goes is going wrong. it breaks my heart to see how much you've changed.
i miss 05A1.
and bestfriends, you guys are my life :)
by the way, 'Less is more' by Relient K is awesome :)
i know i'm random!
you could be the one in a million
you could be the one for me.
but i'll never know if i never try,
i guess i'll just have to grab you
in my arms and kiss you
Friday, September 16, 2005
Can i just be something
somewhere in your room
that you won't notice
many things to rant about. this entire week was just one emotional rollercoaster ride (hah emo-ness). countless times, i felt so perturbed. the grouch didn't last long after pouring out my grievances though.
it's amazing how pontifical people exist. live only for yourself? i guess we could do with some deliberation. well, i guess i don't hate my class. it's just how the under currents are so intolerable that it suffocates me sometimes. like you'll never know who will be badmouthing you. although, i hate to admit, everyone is nice to everyone else. that just makes it worse, isn't it? duplicitous? probably. even i'm guilty of it sometimes. just wish things would get better.
on a brighter note, we're all addicted to shawn's nintendo game!!! hahah it's highly entertaining. as ian said, it's such a wonderful destressing tool. yijie even skips breaks to play the nintendo. he's such a kid at heart. not a bad thing yij!
night study was rather gratifying today! still pretty worried that i won't be able to clear my promos. the fear just gets more embedded everytime i am unable to solve a maths question. so dumb, but this fear is so real and deeply rooted!!
made some really disturbing realisations today. wouldn't say i'm distraught but i'm disturbed and a little disappointed. but oh well!
ELE molly, please cheer up alright! studies, priority! :) anyway, thanks for being such a sweetheart. wouldn't have made it through this week without you.
okay, and thanks for all the rest who were there!
oh yeah, the flashing pictures are getting on my nerves. okay, random.
I look at you and
feel my heart bursting through my chest
another heartache
what teenage years are all about
but this has been a test
so please believe me
i hope that things will work out for the best
Sunday, September 11, 2005
But i'm sick of trying so hard
waste all your time with me
i know i'm a mess right now
it's just heartwrenching to know how a friend can become a foe in just a matter of days. in fact, in just a matter of minutes. how people can all start turning their backs against you, and in turn, turn everyone else against you. when you thought you had a friend in that particular person, that certain someone whom you'd shared so much with, he/she could be the one who would be spilling all your secrets and at the same time, badmouthing you. how realistic can people get. the satisfaction they get from seeing you suffer and how they delight in the fact that everyone else detests you.
for your information, i'm not saying all these to invoke in anyone a sense of guilt (i'm not referring to anyone!!), nor am i wallowing in self pity. it's all heartfelt. i honestly hope no one ever reads my pitas anymore. how i hate to wash my dirty linen in public, but if i don't express myself in this way, i'm afraid there will be a day where my defenses collapse eventually.
i'm just glad that the friendships forged in secondary school aren't that fragile. i'm actually so overwhelmed with gratitude for the friends who have been there all these time. including some friends i've made in cj. really amazing how some people can stick with you through thick and thin. (thanks to all you guys, esp EMS!)
now, since when did i actually blog about such reasonable and down-to-earth stuff. haha! so we tried studying at ele's place yesterday. mm. okay not much so a studying session. but nonetheless enjoyed each other's company. yes, yijie! yours inclusive! yijie is just the sister i wished i had :) aww.
school is starting tmrw! as much as i dread having to cover more topics (ian just had to remind me!) i'm actually looking forward to school. not promos though.
ELE : thanks for being there always :)
pull your arms up around your knees
and hide out inside your room
pretend you can't feel at all
just realize that i know how
you feel now.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I'm getting into you
cos you got to me
in a way words can't describe
how could certain people be so bitter about things when they're obviously at fault first? i wonder if that makes them feel better about themselves or does that help salvage the pride that they've lost. instead of reflecting on where they've gone wrong, they conveniently blame all their faults on other people. well i guess a leopard can't change its spots. the same way some people just don't change. keep finding excuses to help blanket the fact that there are discrepences in their character. oh not to mention, sometimes seeking to underhand methods in an attempt to spite or get back at someone. well, one thing i'll let you know, it doesn't affect the other party in any way, so why portray yourself to seem/look/sound so bitter? it's pathetic, really.
i won't stoop to your level to attempt to spite you, or make cynical remarks about you. (like the way you did to me)after all, friends we were. hope you'd come to your senses one day.
these few days have been really exhusting. all the trips made to and fro school. yeah, did some productive studying, well somedays. and night studies at ele's house were rather productive till the end of the week. ended up talking more than studying! yijie's been really nice to allow us to bully him all the time. haha. ele has just been great :)
some self reflection, i always end up falling out with friends. discrepances in my character too? maybe, i'm not denying it. but again, there are so many other factors that i won't attempt to delve into. it's amazing how external powers (like persuasion of close friends) can actually fuel the sense of jealousy/anger/insecurity. for those who understand me, you'll know what examples i'm referring to. well ultimately, what i'm trying to convey is, make decisions on your own and don't get too caught up with what your friends think or have to say. you'll end up making the most heartwrenching decisions in your life, living to regret it, just like me.
but the world is black
and hearts are cold
and there's no hope
that's what we're told
and we can't go back
it won't be the same
forever changed
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
It's all i can do
to conceal my feelings of jealousy
tuition was productive except for the fact that the staff are sickeningly rude. their service attitude is ATROCIOUS. urgh. singaporeans and their obnoxious ostentatious behaviour. it's irksome. but at least, now i know something about economics. haha.
i hope you're eating your own words now.
and what's with all these rivalry. tsk
Notice me - Pixel Perfect
here's a story of a girl
living in the lonely world
a hidden note
a secret crush
a little boy who talks too much.
well i'm standing in the crowd
and when you smile i check you out
but you don't even know my name
you're too busy playing games
and i want you to know
if you lose your way
i won't let you go.
if i cut my hair
if i change my clothes
will you notice me?
if i bite my lip
if i say hello
will you notice me?
what's it gonna take for you to see
i want you to notice me
i'll get you notice me.
got your head up in the clouds
tell me when you're coming down
no i don't wanna sink your ship
it's not about the scholarship
and all the friends that follow you
tell you things that just ain't true
i'm the girl you never see
i'm the one you really need
so don't get me wrong
you better make your move
before my love is gone
Sunday, September 4, 2005
Again i go unnoticed
spent a meaningful day at ele's yesterday. we did some work, talked a lot, munched and snacked even more :) it was all good.
i don't like school holidays.
i've been alone with you inside my mind
and in my dreams
i've kissed your lips a thousand times
i sometimes see you pass outside my door
hello, is it me you're looking for?
i can see it in your eyes
i can see it in your smile
you're all i've ever wanted
my arms are open wide
cos you know just what to say
and you know just what to do
and i want to tell you so much
i love you.
i long to see the sunlight in your hair
and tell you time and time
again how much i care
sometimes i feel my heart will overflow
hello, i've just got to let you know
cos i wonder where you are
and i wonder what you do
are you somewhere feeling lonely
or is someone loving you?
tell me how to win your heart
for i haven't got a clue
but let me start by saying
i love you
Friday, July 15, 2005
someday someday
so, i actually do remember that i have a blog. hahah.
school has been pretty good, i must say. we've all been in this studying mood. haha, probably because we all haven't exactly done well for mid-years, okay at least for me! hope this 'study-craze' carries on till promos. dinah, melvyn, yijie and i actually went to study after school today. on a FRIDAY. and i'm proud to say, we did cover quite a bit, without much talking or chatting! the feeling of actually understanding your work and being able to answer questions, is actually quite satisfying. haha :) nerd, i'm becoming.
Wednesday, May 4, 2005
remembering, everything
about my world and when you came
we spent some time
together walking
spent some time just talking
about who we were
you held my hand so
very tightly
and told me what we
could be dreaming of
there’s nothing like you and i.
we spent some time
together drinking
spent some time just thinking
about days of joy
as our hearts started
beating faster
i recalled your laughter
from long ago
there’s nothing like you and i.
we spent some time
together crying
spent some time just trying
to let each other go
i held your hand so
very tightly
and told you what i would be
dreaming of
there’s nothing like you and i.
so why do i even try?
there’s nothing like you and i.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
everytime you go away
you take a piece of me with you
cos i'm hanging on every word you say
& even if you don't want to speak tonight
tht's alright, alright with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit
outside your door & listen to you breathing
is where i want to be
Sunday, April 10, 2005
wish i could be
every little thing you wanted
i can't wait for this thursday! 05A1-ers! :)
nice to meet you
now i must be going
before you break my heart and
leave me lonely
nice to meet you
now i'll be on my way
before you get too close and
goodbye is hard to say
nice to meet you
now i have to leave
before i get in too deep and
claim to fall in love with you